Heritage’s Freedom To Read™ program

Don’t have time to read and dog ear the corners of books but want your friends to think you have?

Introducing the Heritage Foundation’s Freedom to Read  program.

Heritage foundation president Edwin Feulner

Heritage Foundation President Edwin Feulner.
Photo by Medill DC under Creative Common’s License

Starting this April The Heritage Foundation has teamed with AEI, AFP, Cato, Hoover Institute and the EIEIO Institute to offer you pre-owned and distressed books for your home!

Includes all the classics you never had time to read, but want to say you have like:

  • The Fountainhead!
  • Atlas Shrugged!
  • Saul Alinsky’s, Rules for Radicals! (They’ve read it, why can’t you say you have?)

Hot current books like:

  • The complete, “Killing Somebody” series by Bill O’Reilly!

Books you didn’t read in college but said you did like:

  • Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations!

Bills the liberals have tried to ram down your throat like:

  • The Gay Agenda Bill and the “Give Homos Special Rights Bill”
  • The Affordable Care Act–all 906 pages!
    • The bill that inspired the “Read the Bill!” chant!

For a low monthly fee we also send you Heritage, AEI, Cato and Hoover Institute books our experts turn out each month that you only hear about on Fox, Hannity and Limbaugh.

The covers have been cracked, the pages have been turned and sections have been underlined! Just like you would if you had time.

For a limited time you will also receive a read copies of historical books you haven’t read:

  • The Constitution
  • The Bill of Rights (numbers three through ten)
  • The King James Bible with the New Testament and the actual words of Jesus in red. All marked as if read!

You would expect to pay $1,700 a month for this. Thanks to a generous grant from an anonymous donor all these books and documents will arrive at your home for the price of a five dollar cup of coffee. These quality pre-read and distressed books will keep coming until our donor runs out of money. (Don’t hold your breath liberals!)

Act today. Our pre-readers and independent contractors from around the world are standing by to read and distress your books!

Coming soon, our Pre-Eaten Food Program™ We eat it so you don’t have to!
Comes with a complete set Ginzo knives! But wait there’s more!

Also launching in April, the charity donation program that fulfills our 501 c 3 non-profit status making your subscription tax-deductible for income, gift, and estate taxes.

Freedom Food™* especially for inner city men.

*Heritage’s Freedom Food program consists of the results of the Pre-Eaten Food Program. It includes pre-digested food, Freedom to Read books and is part of this balanced budget. Not available in other first world countries.


AUTHOR NOTE: The Freedom To Read, Pre-Eaten Food and Freedom Food Programs are all made up programs that parody the intellectual laziness and moral cruelty of many right wing foundations and programs. Any resemblances to actual right wing foundations and right wing leaders’s comments and ideas are purely intentional. Pre-April Fool.

Cross posted to FireDogLake

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