Today over at io9 Katharine Trendacosta mentioned the casting of Will Robinson for the new Lost In Space reboot. She ended it with this line.
Honestly, all this show needs to do is have a robot yell “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!” at Jenkins and most people will probably be happy with it. Honestly, it’s not like it can be worse than the 1998 film.
I really liked the 1998 film, the father son relationship, the great action special effects and the sexy outfits for the crew. But it did have some massive CGI problems, especially with their space monkey.
One poster, Angrier Geek, had this to say
9/20/16 4:49pm
Oh, that fucking monkey. That’s how you know everyone in Hollywood is on cocaine. Only a drug addled mind thinks that’s a good idea.
I thought that was probably right, so I envisioned how the monkey happened, how it got in there, what happened with the CGI and finally what the fallout was.
Scene opens in New Line Cinema studio executive’s office.
Studio Exec: We need a cute alien. You know, for the kids! We can sell more toys with it.
Administrative Assistant: How about we do a take on the Space Money in the TV show?
SE: What space monkey? There was a space monkey in the TV show? I don’t remember that.
AA: Yes, they just put some ears on a chimp. Kids loved it!
Judy, the chimp was discovered in the jungles of Kenya and came to the United States at one month of age.
SE: Great Idea!
AA: Can’t do it, Oldman’s contract says he won’t work with animals. I heard he also talked to the original Dr. Smith during research who said it was terrible.
SE: How about we do it in CGI?
AA: Great idea!
[Three months later watching the CGI monkey footage. ]
SE: [Sounds of throwing up ] BLAWP. BLAWP
SE: What the actual FUCK?!!? Who approved this?!
AA: You did!
SE: Was I HIGH?
AA: ummm
SE: Don’t answer that! Can we fix it in time for the opening?
AA: No budget. We used it all for the opening flying scene and the bullet time part. Unless we spend an extra $900,000 for the overtime we are going to have to use it.
SE: Why didn’t we use practical effects? Who’s idea was it to try to appeal to kids? This is an adult movie for the people who were kids in the 1960’s! That’s why we had the sexy spacesuits!
AA: Ummm about those spacesuits, some of the test audience found the one of the little girl, um skeezy.
SE: DAMN IT! I’ll bet they didn’t have this problem in the 1960’s
How about we lose the CGI monkey for kids entirely and go with a practical effect, maybe an adult space monkey. Something for adults that will be scary.
AA: Great idea! Just like in the 1960’s TV show with the adult space monkey!
SE: What adult space monkey? There was an adult space monkey in the TV show? I don’t remember that.
AA: Yes, they just put some ears on a big ape suit. The adults loved it!
Budget runs out, director trims CGI monkey scene, names the monkey Blawp, after sound made when seeing it.
(Opening Weekend April 1998, the film does 20 million US on an estimated 80 million budget
SE: [looking at the numbers] We’re doomed.
AA: Maybe it will become a cult favorite. Or a guilty pleasure. Or a niche success. What’s the worst that could happen?
May 4, 1998 after rapid box office fall off.
Studio exec’s phone rings. caller ID says, Mount Sinai Memorial Park Cemetery
SE: Hello?? Hello?
Caller: We have a disturbance here at the cemetery. One of our clients wants to talk to you, please hold.
Caller: What have you done? You have ruined Lost In Space!
SE: Who is this?
Caller: RUINNNNNNEEEEEEDDD!!!!
SE: Who is this? Mary? is that you? Knock it off Mary. I’m already depressed enough.
Caller: I’m Shelia Fucking Allen you idiot! The owner of the intellectual property rights to Lost in Space whose value you just KILLED! I’m calling from the cemetery because I came to see why my husband’s corpse was spinning so fast it knocked over Mama Cass’ urn!
SE: But but, it just opened. I’m sure it will do great overseas.
Shelia: Screw that, my husband was the master of disaster, the good kind, the kind that makes money here in the US first before the suckers overseas buy it. You’ve destroyed his legacy! I’m coming for you… Every skyscraper you go to, every ship you sail in, every time you go into a tunnel, I’ll be there waiting to take you down. I’ll get you, and your stupid CGI monkey too.
That’s it for you cocaine fueled freaks. They’ll reboot my husband’s IP over my dead body….
18 November 2013, Irwin Allen’s Widow, Sheila Mathews Allen, Dies at 84
20 November 2013, Casting of Lost in Space reboot begins… Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
Oh, the pain, the pain…
